Thursday, March 29, 2007's lost summary: "Maybe Billy Dee Williams is controlling the whole island...with his mind!

I’m starting to feel like I’m in an abusive relationship with the LOST writers. It’s like they’re beating me one minute, all “Here’s this sh*tty episode where nothing really happens that is clearly intended only to frustrate you and stretch out this whole story for an insufferable amount of time. Shut your mouth and like it!”. And the next minute it’s all, “Oh I love you, baby. Here’s an amazing hour of television where all this crazy stuff happens, we let you in on a few secrets, and your mind feels a little blown at the end of it.”

After last night’s show, I felt like one of Naomi Campbell’s assistants who forgot to tell the dry cleaners “no starch”. I mean, just as I’m getting all excited and the show’s starting and this chick’s running through the jungle and - is that Billy Dee F*cking Williams!?! What in god’s name is Lando Calrissian doing in someone’s backstory on LOST? Well, this whole season we keep seeing these random two characters showing up on the beach, not really contributing much to the plot, just slipping a line of dialogue in here and there, and every time they show up I would turn to whoever was next to me and say, “who the f*ck was that?” When you have a show about a small group of people stuck on an island, you can’t just introduce two new characters in the third season and pretend like they were there the whole time!

Well that’s what last night was all about - Nikki and Paolo - the two vaguely attractive LA struggling actorly types whose presence on the island contributes nothing to the plot, and whose backstory precisely zero people were dying to know. I mean, are there not enough characters on the island who we still don’t know what the f*ck is up with? We really have to waste a whole episode on this whole Twilight Zone-esque morality play that tells us absolutely nothing about any of the 1,573,466 story lines that have been previously set up? And not only was last night’s story totally irrelevant, it was pretty retarded. A rare spider that paralyzes you for eight hours so you appear to be dead? Getting buried alive because of your greed? When did this turn into Tales From the Crypt?

LOST writers, you’ve really hurt me this time. I’m really starting to doubt whether you really love me anymore. But I will say - it’s nice to see that Billy Dee is still working.

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